Evin Eleanor Louisa Jordan was born at 33 weeks by emergency cesarean section on February 28th 2004 at the Princess Anne Hospital, Southampton. I had pre-eclapsia, which caused a placental abruption starving her of oxygen. She died at 4 days old on March 3rd 2004.
It was a leap year and I'm weirdly thankful that she wasn't born on the 29th, because her birthday is the only thing I have. She would have been 18 this coming February and I wonder every day what she would have been like.
I imagine that she would have had brown curly hair like her younger brother and sister (who are now teenagers and will forever be older than her) and hazel/green eyes. She would have been strong, independent and fiercely loyal, I hope.
I try and talk about her, but know that it makes people feel uncomfortable and I'm sometimes too tired to explain all the details. When I'm asked how many children I have, I feel guilty every time I say two. Because I don't, I have three. When I do have the energy to let people know, I am usually met with the same response -
"I've lost a baby ........ my mum lost my brother ......... my friend suffered miscarriage and stillbirth ........ my baby was born too soon and did not survive etc, etc."
It makes me so sad that we hide the memories of our precious babies away and do not join together to support each other through the lifetime after their loss. There have been many times when I have questioned how I am feeling, is it right, how should I have dealt with this. Talking to others in a similar situation is a great comfort.
How can there be so many families that have suffered so much loss and others not know? Why do I feel that it's not appropriate to talk about my daughter that passed away, but I don't have any problems taking about my nan who is also not with us?
We must break the silence! We must let families know that they are not alone. We must let dads and partners know that they don't have to be strong and they need support too, we have to let aunties and uncles know that they too are allowed to grieve, that everyone should seek help and help is out there. There is no situation that is worse or better, a baby lost in the first trimester causes as much grief as one lost after birth and just because families go on to have other children, it does not make the grief go away.
So this is for you, you who has questioned your sanity, you who cannot get over your lost baby 20 years ago, you who lost 4 babies before you were even 10 weeks pregnant, you who watched your daughter bury hers.
It's also for you, my beautiful girl who I honour with my work in supporting women and children. I hope I make you proud.
Below is the first in a series of videos from Tommy's which can be found on you tube that explore miscarriage and baby loss. Follow the links below for more information and to access support.
Follow the link to watch other films from The Baby Loss Series
You can also contact Tommy's midwives, who are trained in bereavement support, on their pregnancy line on 0800 014 7800 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm), or email them at midwife@tommys.org
If you know anyone that has suffered miscarriage, including ectopic and molar pregnancy additional support can be found through Tommy's #MisCourage campaign, where hundreds of women have shared their own stories of miscarriage. You might find it reassuring to read about other women’s experiences.
If you or someone you love has experienced stillbirth or neonatal death then you can reach out to the charity SANDS https://www.sands.org.uk
Information and support can also be found through Bliss https://www.bliss.org.uk for babies born premature or sick.